Chapter 5: Hell Week

November 20, 2023. 12:16pm. My phone rings. It’s the same Rochester MN number that always shows up when Red Wing Mayo calls. It’s the call I’ve been simultaneously anticipating and dreading. My heart palpitates. I suck in my breath. I answer with the same fake customer service voice I use at work: “Hello, this is Erin speaking!” Please be a female voice. It’s a male voice. It’s my surgeon. If the surgeon calls, it’s bad news. That’s what he had told me on biopsy day. The Surgeon started out with fluff small talk: “Hello Ms. Karlstad! How are you doing today?”, at which I responded: “Well, I’m talking to you, so not very good.” He immediately cut the shit and gave it to me straight: “Unfortunately the breast biopsy…blah, blah, blah.” His voice trailed off in my ears as the dread washed over me. I only heard key words: Invasive, Breast, Cancer. Despite my best efforts, I began to cry while the Surgeon was spewing his devil words at me. Is this really happening? I don’t want to hear this shit! Fuck you, dude! Eventually he quit talking, and I realized he must have asked me a question. I asked him to repeat his last statement. “How soon can you come back in to see me? We need to go over the next steps for treatment.” I responded: “When is the soonest you can get me in?” The Surgeon: “Let me look at my schedule here. Umm, the next availability I have is next Thursday at 1pm. Does that work for you?” Me: “It’s going to have to work, not much of a choice. See you next Thursday.” Click. A whole week? I have to sit and spin for a whole fucking week!?

I was working from home that day. Upon hanging up the phone, my first order of business was to message my supervisor to let him know that shit just got real. He immediately gave me the option to call it a day, but I opted to stay on the clock. I wanted to try to power through, try to distract myself with work. I then emailed my husband, Brian, who was also at work (in-office). He emailed me back immediately, letting me know he was coming home at once. I turned my focus back on to my work, tears streaming down my face, hoping my work phone wouldn’t ring. Yeah, this isn’t going to work. I need to throw in the towel. So, I finished up my current project, cleared out my work emails, and told my supervisor that my husband was on his way home, I was calling it a day. I needed to process this shit. I needed my husband. I needed to collect my bearings.

Brian walked through the door about 30 minutes after he emailed me. I was just logging off of my work computer. He found me hunched over my desk. I didn’t want him to look at me…his cancerous wife. I didn’t want him to see my fear, my weakness. Most of all, I didn’t want to see his fear, his worry. I didn’t want any of this. But, it was happening, I had to face it head on. So, I stood up, faced my husband, and fell into his arms. We both cried.

We were both scared. Scared of the unknown. Is this going to kill me the same way it killed my Mom? Do we start planning my funeral now? Eventually, I told myself to shake the doom & gloom. I had to adjust my mindset, otherwise I would drive myself insane. I need to plan on living, not dying. This is not a death sentence, it’s a test of my fortitude. I had to think about the people in my life who need me alive. My Son, Ethan, is an independent grown man now, but he will need be around to help with his future children. Brian and I are very much in love and invested in each other. If I were to let this kill me, his broken heart would likely kill him. I can’t fold and let this swallow me, I have to charge forward. I decided it was best to proceed as normal, business as usual, until I got more information. I need to focus on something I can control. Knowing I would likely miss work due to treatments and appointments, I started planning ways to make money in the event I lost income. I’d take freelance work, draw some commissioned portraits, make some chainmail jewelry, sell some stuff online…granted I’d have the energy to do so. I just want to be useful. The thought of being useless is just as dreadful as being sick in itself. My mind was spinning, I needed to chill out. I needed some normalcy for the night. So, Brian and I ordered delivery from Liberty’s restaurant, cracked open a couple of Maiden Rock Hard Ciders, and watched an episode of Kill Tony. This bit of normalcy was extra sweet.