Chapter 14: Mr. Boob Dangles

“All good things come to those who wait”. Yeah, maybe if you’re waiting for ketchup.
It seems like medicine runs on its own time zone: one which begins in suspended animation, and suddenly hits warp speed. My cancer care was transferred over to Rochester a couple of months ago. These past couple of months have been moving at a snails pace. Rochester had to reevaluate Red Wing’s biopsies, which took time. This reevaluation resulted in more screenings (another biopsy and a breast MRI). These things needed to be done in order to gather enough information to determine the best treatment plan for my particular flavor of cancer. In my mind, this reevaluation was a giant waste of time considering I had already decided that my initial plan of action is a Double Mastectomy with Reconstruction. Get rid of both tits to decrease the chances of this ever coming back. BUT, Rochester has its own way of doing things. Mayo Clinic in Rochester is ranked the best hospital in the world for a reason, so I put my trust in their process, and in their professional opinion.
About a month ago, I had my first face-to-face consultation with my Oncologist in Rochester. 7:45am, an early one. Brian was by my side. I entered that exam room confidant that it was going to be a quick visit, as I already knew how I was going to proceed. A nurse came into the room beforehand. As she was giving me her preliminary schpeel, my mind wandered towards the lunch menu at Victoria’s (a local Italian joint walking distance from Mayo). The nurse was an older gal, giving off a grandmotherly appeal. Her vocal cadence was soft and soothing, almost a lullaby quality to it. I told Brian after the fact: “I would love for her to come over and read to me at night. I’d be out like a light!”. We agreed that her approach was appropriate for her line of work: easing people into a very scary chapter in their lives.
Next entered the Oncologist. A jovial, charismatic character…about my age. He entered the exam room, greeting us bombasicly: “Well, Mr & Mrs. Karlstad, I presume!”, shaking our hands hardily. What a cool guy! He began by rattling off things I already knew, a recap of Red Wing’s findings. Soon he was explaining new information they had discovered, information that may very well prompt me to change my predetermined plan of action. The Oncologist informed me that a Double Mastectomy may not be the best choice for me. I started to feel overwhelmed at this point, and a bit frustrated by the prospect of change. I thought I had this all figured out, I was already secure in my decision. Great! How much longer will this shit be drawn out now?. My Oncologistwent on to explain that although my cancer is invasive, it appears to be quite treatable, with a low chance of reoccurrence. He threw a bunch of diagnostic jargon at me, which was all Greek to me. The only terminology I recognized (thanks to consuming too much television) was “er/pr-positive her2-negative”, which he proclaimed is best kind of breast cancer to get. Wow, I have the best breast cancer! Where do I claim my gold medal? And, because my genetic testing clears me of any genetic risks, removing my healthy breast may be unnecessary. Although, in order to know this for sure, they need to bring me in for another lymph node biopsy and a breast MRI. I also needed to consult with the Plastic Surgery team to for a preliminary overview of every reconstruction option available…luckily, this was available via Zoom, enabling me to do it from home.
At this point, the Oncologist threw me a curve ball: my Mirena IUD needs to be removed immediately. (IUD: Intrauterine Device, a form of birth control.). He informed me that the hormone being released from my IUD is feeding my cancer. FEEDING MY CANCER! Holy shit! I’ve been using a Mirena IUD for about 17 years. Now I’m questioning whether my IUD is the cause of my cancer. I have no scientific basis for this assumption, but considering I have no genetic markers for cancer, and my age & lifestyle isn’t conducive to cancer…what is causing it? Hearing this IUD correlation is making my wheels turn.
Next up: a physical examination of my breasts and upper body. He needed to get a literal feel for what he was dealing with, I suppose. He asked me: “What sort of exercises do you do?”, which I assumed was a lead in to the 10 pounds I’ve gained since the Covid era. I replied with a chuckle: “No…I’ve been slacking on physical activity lately.” He said: “Well, you must have a physical job, then? What do you do for a living?” I again replied with a chuckle: “No…I am a desk jockey. Tethered to computer monitors all day.” He responded: “You have to be doing something, considering you are quite muscular. Really, you have impressive musculature for a woman as small as yourself.” I lit up with that, responding: “Well, I throw an 800 pound Harley-Davidson around like nobody’s business, and I come from sturdy stock. So, what do you say, Doc…you wanna arm wrestle, or what? Lets go!” The Oncologist was taken aback by my arm wrestling challenge and said: “Oh, I didn’t mean anything bad by my comment. Being naturally muscular is a good thing! Being in good shape will help in your recovery.” Brian interjected: “Oh, trust me, you didn’t offend her. She took that as a compliment. You just made her day!” The three of us got a hardy chuckle out of that whole interaction!
With that over with, it was time to schedule my additional biopsy, MRI, and Breast Reconstruction Zoob meeting (Zoom + Boob = Zoob). The biopsy was scheduled for the following week. The Zoob meeting was scheduled for that very afternoon at 3pm. The MRI was scheduled for that very evening at 7:45pm. Seriously? We’re stuck in Rochester through the evening! It will be midnight by the time we get home! I had my iPad with me, so I could have logged onto my Zoob meeting from anywhere with a WiFi connection…meaning we could have stayed in Rochester. But, we opted to drive back to Red Wing, log into my Zoob meeting from home, and chill out until it was time for my 7:45pm MRI. The Zoob meeting was quick and unremarkable. A rehash of a bunch of information I had previously gathered online. BORING! Now, drive back to Rochester after dark…that was weird! We pulled into our regular parking ramp, which is typically so jam packed, it takes 5 minutes just to find a spot to park. This late in the evening, the ramp was virtually empty! Oh…it was so nice not having to fuck around with parking! We hustled through the subway system to get to the Gonda building (Mayo is a very large complex of buildings connected by an underground subway system. Gonda is one of the main buildings). As we made our way, I was taken aback by how empty the place was. It was eerily quiet, almost haunting. In this state of peace & quiet, I was able to really absorb the abundance of Mayo’s turn of the 20th century grandiosity. The marble walls, marble inlay floors, grand staircases, bronze sculpture, art installations. It felt like I was on a self guided tour of a museum rather than a late night MRI. Another bonus of a late night appointment: the nurse calls you back immediately upon check in! No exaggeration, I didn’t even have time to take my jacket off and sit by the time the nurse called me back to Radiology. A breast MRI is a weird thing. You lay face-down on a raised platform with 3 holes in it: one for your face, and 1 for each breast to dangle through, like a couple of free-swinging udders. I started singing “Mr. Boob Dangles!” (a spontaneous parody of Mr. Bojangles). The MRI only took 15 minutes. In total, my entire appointment lasted about 30 minutes. We were walking back to the parking ramp by 8:15pm. I have never had an appointment go that quickly. These late night appointments aren’t so bad after all!