Chapter 15: Blue is the New Black

A funny thing happened: Red Wing Mayo performed a needle biopsy of a suspicious auxiliary lymph node back in November (as chronicled in Chapter 4: She’s a Squirter!)….but, they missed the mark. Rochester Mayo found that Red Wing failed to collect any tissue from that biopsy, so another biopsy was required before they could proceed in evaluating my course of treatment. So, back to Rochester I went.
The nurse calls me back. She is almost militant in her tone, giving me rapid-fire instructions on protocol. She gives me a gown, a plastic bag for all of my personal belongings (purse and cell phone included), and a key for my locker. I follow instructions like a good little soldier, and head out to the secondary waiting room. It is filled with about 25 other women wearing matching blue gowns. Some are sitting in a row, watching the same TV program: The Price is Right. Some are engaged in a card game. Some are working on a jigsaw puzzle. Chitter chatter, chitter chatter. It’s reminiscent of a prison recreation area. A real Orange is the New Black vibe…only, in this case, Blue is the New Black. I was tempted to ask one of the other patients: “What are you in for?”, assuming I’m not the only one who recognizes the prison parallel, here. But, this is the Mayo Breast Clinic, so I already know the answer. Plus, no one wants to be here, so I’ll just keep my trap shut…keep myself from getting jumped. Another nurse calls me back for my biopsy fairly quickly…within 5 minutes. Another patient jumps up and yells: “Hey, I’ve been waiting for an hour! Why does she get called back before me! She just got here!”…in regards to me, of course. Am I about to witness a prison riot? Hell yeah!
The biopsy itself was easy breezy. I was expecting aggressive jabs, pain, and a blood-soaked crescendo like I had experienced in Red Wing. But, this biopsy: I was so comfortable, I could have slept through the whole thing! There were 3 nurses and a Doctor in the operating room, all of which had easy demeanors, quick to spark conversation with me. They propped me into position with pillows and gave me a warm blanket…so cozy! My arm was slung over my head while they cranked away at my armpit for a while, collecting several samples from multiple nodes. They numbed me up so effectively, the only thing I felt was pressure. We chatted about our personal lives, our jobs, our extra-occupational activities. It felt more like I was at a grill-out than a doctor’s appointment, I was chillin’ like a villon!
They cut me loose after about 45 minutes. I collected my personal belongings, got dressed and bailed myself out of there! I jumped in my F-150, and hit the Caribou Coffee drive-thru, and hit HWY 52 in a caffeinated frenzy! Homeward bound, baby!